Stupid Haiku Collection: Volume 1

Welcome to my first haiku collection. For those of you who may not know what a haiku is, it’s… ah, nevermind. Just look it up on Wikipedia like I did. Anyway, what follows is a short list of celebrity and current events-themed "poetry" that is likely to one day be listed alongside the works of Matsuo Basho. Or not.

• Apparently hates

  Jews, Latinos and women.

  Likes him some Jesus.

• Could use therapy.

  Mouth became lethal weapon.

  Needs to stop drinking.

• Nuttier than a

  Box of Payday candy bars.

  Career in toilet.

• Needed a special

  To announce his choice. Ego

  Has own postal code.

• “King” of basketball.

  How many rings? More like "Earl

  Of Opportunists."

• Less popular in

  Cleveland than Art Modell in

  A Jordan jersey.

• Wishes she could be

  Madonna. Material

  Makes me want to hurl.

• Your music sickens

  Me. If Hell has a jukebox,

  The Fame plays all day.

• Please put on some pants,

  You no-talent skankbag, and

  Kindly go away.

• Drunk everyday.

  Probation violation.

  She’s in the slammer.

• At least there won’t be

  Any chance for a Life-Size

  Sequel. Glad for that.

• Why are you famous?

  Won’t be any keg stands while

  You’re up the river.

• Let’s make funny shapes

  Out of dead chickens today.

  Sad but delicious.

• Oh, fried feathered friends,

  You did not die in vain. Great

  With barbecue sauce.

• Yummiest is that

  Which resembles Italy.

  I shall eat it last.

• Summer of soccer

  Marred by cheaters and bad calls.

  No one really cares.

• Spain won. It’s over!

  Least exciting sport ever.

  A month of torture.

• Gone for four long years.

  That’s good. Would likely commit

  Murder otherwise.

• Vampires and werewolves

  Vie for love of ugly chick.

  No more movies, please.

• Would rather have stake

  Inserted into anus

  Than sit through this crap.

• Movie ticket should

  Include self-vasectomy

  Kit. Seriously!

   

• Trouble in the Gulf!

  Domino’s Pizza has less

  Oil in it right now.

• Fools, clean up your mess.

  Gulf of Mexico looks like

  Rick James’ swimming pool.

• Plug it up now! You’ve

  Killed more sea creatures than the

  Gorton’s fisherman.

• A job would be nice.

  Tough to find these days. Will try

  Selling sexy bod.

• No one is buying.

  Should probably work out more.

  Ate box of Twinkies.

• Will do anything

  For some cash. Please explain what

  A “donkey punch” is.

• Had I never played,

  I might have learned the skills to

  Converse with women.

• Nintendo. It’s for

  Breakfast now. Nintendo. It’s

  A cereal. Wow.

• When out of ideas

For stupid haikus, use old

Commercial jingles

.

Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed my collection of ridiculously stupid haikus. I’m planning to make this a regular feature, so feel free to leave me any comments and/or hate mail. Thanks for reading!

Posted July 14, 2010